I feel like I am living in a cocoon right now and to be honest…I am not having fun. I am not who I used to be and not yet who I want to be.
Transformation is messy. My life feels messy right now. I am in the process of transforming much like a caterpillar turning into a butterfly.
Did you know that the caterpillar is always destined to be a butterfly? The butterfly already exists within the caterpillar. But…for it to actually turn into a butterfly the caterpillar must go through metamorphosis.
I am fascinated by this process. The caterpillar climbs onto a tree limb, spins itself into a cocoon and just hangs out. While it is hanging out, it looks like nothing is happening. The messy truth is that inside that cocoon the caterpillar is breaking down. It literally turns into a sort of biological soup. Now it no longer resembles the caterpillar it once was and it sure doesn’t look like it could ever turn into the butterfly it will be.
During transformation, it can look and feel like everything is falling apart, when in reality something new is being formed. There is a period where nothing looks beautiful yet. No wings. No flying. Just uncertainty. That’s where I’m at right now. I can almost feel the old me fighting to survive. Part of me is fighting the dissolving of my old ways of thinking and being. It is dark in here. I have no idea what is trying to emerge. I want to turn back to my comfort zone. I want to go back to what is familiar. Even if it wasn’t that great it was at least familiar. As much as I may want to go back I can’t now because I am too far into the process.
So…I am taking a deep breath and trusting the process. I may not fully know what I am becoming…but I know what no longer fits. And maybe for now, that is enough.
Much love from the cocoon,
Suzi